


Return the Heart to Sender - Or at Least to the One that It Was Sent From

by hisfoolishgirl



Series: The Ink of Her Heart [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: A lot more then that is revealed, Aftermath of Violence, But it works for these two, Can't think without adrenaline, Chapter two talks about sex, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Female Merlin, Genderswap, Has A Problem with Staying Dead Though, I wouldn't call my prose attempt at the scene something with actual sexual content though, Immortal Merlin, Magic Revealed, Married Couple, Married Couple Fighting, Might not be the healthiest, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Not in the least, Still calling each other prat and dollop head though so there is that, They know this, Torture, someone died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-15 12:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15412458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisfoolishgirl/pseuds/hisfoolishgirl
Summary: “What killed me this time then?” She groaned. Her hand flew to her chest. Her heart hurt. It always did after her magic had to prove why it was that she was named Emrys.Someone cleared their throat. Someone who would be surprised by such statements from her lips. Arthur. It was her king, her coin, her other half in the room.





	1. Merlin // Magic

“Poison this time?” Merlyn asked. It hurt like poison. A deep thumping in the chest - like with the goblet and Nimueh. Or the dagger. Not the one time she’d been deeply pierced in the chest by one, but the third time she’d been nicked by a blade marred with enchantments. Those deaths were always the easiest to revive from. Her own magic purified and restoried. There was no time warping around her form to speed a physical recovery. There was no bones waiting for mending like the couple of times she’d been on the wrong end of a defenestration, or blood being replenished like the time Lancelot had received the greatest emotional scar in his lifetime.

Seriously, she had told him she need the practice for a reason. 

“No.” Gaius’ voice was tight, “Merlyn-”

“What killed me this time then?” She groaned. Her hand flew to her chest. Her heart hurt. It always did after her magic had to prove why it was that she was named Emrys. 

Someone cleared their throat. Someone who was not old - Like Gaius. Someone who would not be surprised by such statements from her lips - Like Lancelot. Or Gwaine. His attitude more the reason for that anything else though. Sputter? Yes. A smart ass comment that rolled off her statement as the joke it should have been? Absolutely. Far more likely then the strict throat clearing.

Arthur. It was her king, her coin, her other half in the room, and Gaius had tried to warn her.

She dared not to open her eyes to confirm it, “I just need to try waking up again, don’t I?”

“I doubt it would help, Merlyn.” Arthur admitted, “I’m not planning on going anywhere after all.”

What could she do but wince? “It was a play on-”

“Like hell it was,” He interrupted. His tone implied he was interrupting her with a weather update, and that was alarming far more a shout would have been.

“I don’t remember what happened this time,” Merlyn whispered. It was a statement that there was an old set of puttered steps and a sharp clump of a metal lock falling into place. A wooden chair slide across the floor, and she braced for her love’s harsh words. His demands for the truth. Her history. The reason for her lies.

“Are you sure?” He asked instead. He sounded so worn.

“Yes, sire,” She couldn’t even manage a shadow of irony to hit his title. She was tired.

“Can you sit up - I mean -” He paused, and Merlyn knew he was rubbing his face with his hands. Like the dry muscle movements of a basin wash would help wash away weariness instead of dirt, “Are you- Are you really okay?”

“This-” Merlyn sputtered. She sat up, but she waited to finish her statement before looking at him. She didn’t think she’d be able to finish it if she could see the shadows under his eyes. If she could see the haunted looks of betrayal on her lover’s face now that such things were now in the light, “This isn’t a dream, Arthur. I’m alive.”

Then she opened her eyes, and she gasped. She saw his face, and she saw shadows that it had never born before. It had deep wells that could only come with a thining and age. His hair was longer, but well kept. His chin was not in the state she’d left it. A well kept beard filled his face, and she found herself searching his eyes. In them they would have the truth. That it hadn’t been years-

She found the truth in them, and she found herself pushing herself up from the cot they’d put her on.  _ She couldn’t remember. _ She couldn’t remember the death that had cost her years of her life with Arthur. 

Arthur, her bloody miracle of a king, that would only live this one lifetime with her. 

Her eyes, and her steps, went towards the door that Gaius had fled through. Arthur’s hand kept her from it. It had been years for him, but his callus on her skin, holding her wrist tight, still sent shivers down her spine. She turned back to him, “Arthur?” She couldn’t stop her voice from shaking. Her magic meant nothing to the shivers that threatened to rock her body, “Arthur - What happened?”

He finally smiled. It was a small thing. There shouldn’t have been joy, but there a glimmer of joy playing in his face, “Morgana didn’t know you were magic.” He answered.

“I don’t…” She searched his face further.

Then, she pulled away from him. Her legs collapsed. She remembered. She couldn’t met Arthur’s gaze. She couldn’t. She been so sure-

_ She had once been a lady. The woman in front of Merlyn had once been a noble woman. The sort that was composed a fierce fire, and highlighted by the respect that Merlyn had had for her. Then shadowed by Merlyn’s fear of what she’d been destined to become. A fear that Merlyn only humored because it meant her own destiny was an unavoidable fate as well. A fear that no longer mattered because the truth of it formed the jagged lines of insanity that stood staring into Merlyn’s eyes, “You’re a fool,” Morgana whispered, “An absolute fool, Merlyn.” _

_ “Because I failed you under the fomorrah’s curse?” Merlyn answered with a sharply raised eyebrow. Morgana might have been her failure, but her destiny was composed of both of their choices. She would not let guilt dull her tongue when it didn’t make an effort to effect her word choices with Arthur. _

_ Morgana smirked. Her hand caressed Merlyn, memories of better days for the both of them came with the action, and Morgana’s breath tickled her cheek, “In the end,” Morgana whispered, “I think I’ll still have you kill him no matter what.” _

_ The sharp edge hit then, and she herself scream more then she felt the pain. Her magic - She kept down, buried from Morgana’s vision as it tried to keep her awake, alive -  _ whole _. It tried to keep from her heart bleeding out. A small mercy for some the quick blow. But, If her magic had succeeded in healing the small fatal thing in front of Morgana then it would have been her mind tattering under never ending abuse. She had to die. She simply had to die, and she had to hope that magic wouldn’t kick start her back up until Morgana had left her abandoned on the side of some road in Camelot’s kingdom for Arthur to find. She might even be able to keep Arthur from finding out-  _

_ Then her eyes blinded her. Her mouth failed her. But her magic kept her aware as the blade finally slide out, and she heard -  _ something _. She felt magic, and the shattering of her ribs. _

_ Followed by one last sensation as Morgana ripped her apart.  _

_ The deep hollow feeling in her chest. _

“She cut out my heart?” Merlyn breathed. She stared at Arthur. The man’s smile was tight and pained, and it was only there because her Arthur would never cry in the face of miracles. Not even ones that brought back his lover.

“I’m so sorry,” He whispered. Merlyn watched him reach out, but she also watched him abort the action. He pulled his hand back to his lap, and he stared at his fingers, “She didn’t know sending me your heart was what I’d need to bring you back to me,” He started, “But she also didn’t know that I’d need the rest of you either.”

Merlyn frowned, “You shouldn’t have-” 

Arthur’s attention snapped to her with wide eyes, “But Gaius said- You’ve-?” He couldn’t find his words.

She smiled. There wasn’t joy in it. There was shame. It was a disguise like the boyish robes that Gaius had kept her concealed in back while Uther was king and herself simply a servant to a prat, “There was a cave in,” She admitted, “There was a boulder. And - I was pinned.”

His voice wasn’t the deep husk that had kept them awake in bed. It was simply a husk, “What happened?”

“I used my magic to sever my left leg,” She answered meekly, “And then I bleed out. It was the time I was gone for a week.”

“Gaius said you went to visit your mother.”

“What do know of my magic? That seems to be the most relevant thing to talk about-”

“I think you mean to say that it’s the least important point, Merls! You’ve died. I’ve lost you countless times - and I’ve spent a year looking for a rib that I never needed?”

“I mean, I would have thought the heart enough in that time…” She admitted weakly, “Or my body…”

“There could have been two of you?” He breathed. In horror. That was the moment that Merlyn decided to be offended.

“I do not care if we’ve bed or that we’re wed!” She shouted. She found the strength in her legs and rose. She found it in her heart to look away, to turn her back on him. A dangerous thing in a land that still prohibited magic. A dangerous thing to do after screaming at a king.

But not when it was Arthur, and never such in his kingdom. So she did it, “I’m the one that’s died!” She kicked over the cot. Her trousers loose and scratchy as she fell forward a step in reaction to the act, “I’m the one that’s just woken up - I kept years of lies! Arthur, I am sorry for that, but now you know them all? And you’ve just- what? Accepted the fact that I am the very thing that you were raised to hate.”

“Well, it was either keep hating you or keep our wedding oaths-”

“I was dead!”

“No!” Arthur finally snapped and threw his chair at the other wall. That’s how they worked. Fierce fights with anger directed to inanimate breakable objects rather then to each other. Fighters fought, and they trained together but never sparred during times like this. They both knew that they had had too much power to let loose on the other. Their words held powers enough, “That’s why you’re still here! I should be the one screaming at you for lying - Til death due us part? Ha! I can’t even get that small blessing to be away from you-”

Merlyn turned back to Arthur, and she jabbed her finger at his chest. She barely touched him, and he reacted like she hadn’t at all, “Me? Well, If living with me is so hard then you can just keep killing me over and over again and get it out of your system - Or I don’t know? Take a page out of Morgana’s book because apparently there are even limits to what Magic can!”

“Oh. I’m sure if I tried to pull that stunt on you you’d be up and walking around by the end of the day! You always did like her better.”

“I should slap you for that.”

“You really should. Happy now?”

She rolled her eyes, and she nearly reached for the cot to right it before flicking her wrist and righting both of their seats. Even mending the chair for Arthur, “Ready talk again anyways,” Merlyn grumbled taking her seat.

“Gods above,” Arthur growled, “I always knew I’d be destined to marry a nutcase for the sake of my kingdom but I never thought it would be like this.”

“At you had a fucking warning,” Merlyn threw her arms in the air, “I came here for a job to support my mother. I came here for a medical appreticenship so I go back home to Ealdor after getting my magic under tighter control.”

“And then you wound up marrying a prince,” Arthur squinted. His arms were crossed. His words carried a heat that could have rivaled Killgarah’s. It managed to burn her to the same effect. That is to say - not at all. “Boo-hoo.”

“I wound up finding out that I was immortal in fact! I found out that the druids call me Emrys, and that the dragon that lived in your basement is a right bastard when he wants to be - and oh guess when that is, Arthur?” He opened his mouth thinking he could let off a smart remark. She never let him, “Always. The answer is always. Oh, and I came to Camelot? First day? A beheading! I knew I was going to die, but I had no choice.”

“You could have left-”

Merlyn ignored him. She was cracking. She had always been broken. The tears finally made it down her face giving that away, “And then I was  _ promoted. _ I met Morgana. I fell in love with you after the druid boy. Both of you. If you could love a child who had magic - then perhaps - But then - Freya. Saw me, and we would whisper of running away. I’d already died half a dozen times at that point - as you’d put it I’m a clumsy oaf! Apparently knowing there’s no danger around the corner other then fatal delays puts a damper on the safety of the mundane. I was so tired. We were going to run away-” Her hands buried her face, and her words were an undefined sobbing.

Arthur had his arms around her in a heartbeat, and she fit beside him like a key in a lock. She let her tears roll, and roll. Her gasps cut through her chest, and her eyes stung with raw tenderness that could have only been revealed after all her barriers had been shattered, torn away from her. Just as they’d let the fighting between them do.

If Gwen and Lancelot had fought like they did there would have been interventions, but Merlyn and Arthur not even the bravest of knights dared to interrupt when they went into each other. And if the argument was made that the bravest of Camelot’s knights was Lancelot? Well, it stood even truer as he knew exactly who and what each of them were capable of doing.

“Better?” Arthur asked.

She nodded, and she pulled away, “It’s been a year?”

Arthur nodded, “Magic is no longer a death sentence. If it’s benevolent there’s no punishment. If it’s person on person then there’s a trial - if it can get to trial. And malicious devices? Still - maybe even more so actually - run rampant in the streets.”

“They need regulation.” Merlyn commented a fact that they both knew just for the sake of airing it. Confirming they were still on the same page after all this time.

Arthur nodded, “I’ve - I’ve been busy.”

“With me?”

“And studying. Gwain found out and he was the one that - that actually went out and found the rest of you. Your body. All of the pieces-”

“So it wasn’t just the rib that was lost?”

“He wouldn’t tell me, and Gaius had Lancelot helping Gwain once they brought you back to him last week. They wouldn’t let me look.”

“So you studied magic.”

“I have a mild nack apparently.”

Merlyn smirked, “Is that so?” She buried her lips into his neck, and she moved between every kiss up it slowly.

Arthur’s words in response were just as slow, “Yes. Apparently, I’ve magically managed not to fire George in the time that you’ve been gone, my queen.”

Merlyn laughed, but Arthur grabbed her wrists. He leaned forward and he echoed her own action on his throat. It silenced them. It was peaceful.

“I’ll have the regulations written up by the end of week.”

“Not tomorrow?” He somehow managed to ask as he lift her onto his waist, as he put his hands under her and rose, “Has death slowed you? Are you still the one I love?”

Her lips kept with a slow movement as he carried her out of the physician's rooms and back to their own, “I think,” She breathed into his ear. Once she’d made it up to that, “My timeline is accounting for that fact, prat.”

“Dollop head,” He grunted back.

“We should tell the knights-”

“They’ll hear you screaming my name. That should be order enough not to interrupt us.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add more - Gwain's bit and Arthur actually getting the package. I would, as such, recommend subscribing if you want to notified if that does in fact happen.


	2. Arthur // Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Path that Arthur took to getting his mail was a long one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should maybe be it's own segment rather then a follow up chapter - and the two together a series, but there are four people subscribed to this and they deserve the email notification for this update. Hopefully.
> 
> All errors are my own as I have no beta to tell me not to do weird narrative structures or how to spell words in their proper orders.

Merlin wasn’t a knight when they first met. She never was, but after a couple of months as Arthur’s manservant he would have been able to see him as such. In hindsight, the hat should have given it away, but Arthur had only paid attention to the clothing. Shirt and trouser met male, and Merlin’s voice was deep enough that Arthur’s jokes about Merlin acting like a girl’s petticoat were only that.

_ “Oh?” Merlin growled, “A girl’s petticoat am I? Want to blow up my dress so you can -” _

_ “Merlin!” Arthur’s sharp breath cut him off, “There is no need to-” _

_ “Go that far? Because everyday you mention something along the lines of  - Stop being such a girl, Merlin. You’re such a petticoat. You could give Morgana a run for her money - I’m starting to think you have an obsession, and I think it’s quite tiresome!” _

_ Arthur frowned, “Did I hit a nerve?” _

_ “Yes, Prat,” Merlin growled, “I think you did. And I’m the one that does your laundry.” _

_ Arthur rolled his eyes, “I am still the king’s son.” _

_ Merlin shrugged, “And I’m just a girl. Seems like if I start looking to Morgana for an example of how to be such then I wouldn’t give a rats ass over - hmm… What is it that I could do to your pants, I do wonder…” _

_ “Fine! Done with that sort of a remark then, Merlin. For surely no woman could win in a verbal jest that soundly as you have just now!” _

_ Merlin simply stared at Arthur for a moment too long, “Should I pass that on to Morgana then?” _

_ Arthur threw something at Merlin. He didn’t care about what he’d thrown in Merlin’s direction. Merlin dodged with the same ease as he’d had while breathing. _

 

Morgana asked Arthur once if he was falling in love with his man servant. Arthur was quick to give permission away that if she was so interested in Merlin’s love affairs then she should ask him herself.

A week later he found them kissing in his room.

“Oh,” He’d moaned. The only pleasant thing was watching them startle apart, “You could have at least hid in your own room with my manservant, Morgana.”

They both smirked at that, but Morgana answered, “It was Merlin’s idea. Said you’d be coming back soon - and you did give permission.”

"And if the prince gives permission," Merlin purred, "Who am I then to refuse such a request?"

Arthur slammed the door shut behind as he left them to - whatever it was they’d been trying to do. Bother him. Simply make out? 

Arthur froze. Morgana was a lady of Camelot’s courts. If she told Merlin she’d fancied him - Would he even have the ability to say no to her? Even with his disregard for station was not mingled with stupidity. Morgana could make Merlin’s life hard if she wished it. 

A careful whisper in the ear of Uther could even lead to his death.

Or, even if it was mutual, if it had been Uther and not himself that had walked in on that… 

Arthur nearly turned around to scream at the pair for their foolishness.

 

Merlin was too light for a man of his size and skill. That was what Arthur had noticed despite the fear that paralyzed him as he cared his dying servant to Gaius’ chambers. 

Nimueh’s laughter filled his ears, “I’m not the first girl to deceive you, young prince! But, let me assure you, you’re not the one fated to die by my hands. Emrys though? Fate does not say anything against that!”

It would be years later, in a castle with a wooden box in his hands, when he’d hear the name of Emrys again. It would take til then for him to think of it again as well.

 

Merlin, like an idiot had left for Ealdor alone, long before Arthur could even get Hunith before the king for Camelot’s aid. No one knew Arthur fled after him, and Gaius was left alone with Hunith as she waited as Morgana presented her to Uther. 

Merlin least of all it would seem.

When he entered the small village there were a handful of peasants in the town square arguing. One young man and a young woman were insisting that it would all be fine, “I left this village for a reason, Markus! You know what I can do!”

Markus frowned, hardly reassured, “Perhaps, Merlin. But there is a dozen pairs of those bandits, and I doubt one little lady like yourself will be able to-”

“She can.” The young man beside her hissed, “And you know that she was wasted here - she’s gone off to Camelot for the King’s sake for a reason. Now - She’s already returned from Camelot so let her do what she’s good at!”

Arthur slide off his horse, and he walked up to the crowd of four as slow as he could. No one no one noticed as their arguments continued to circle. He coughed gently as he stood beside the raven locks they’d referred to as the Merlin that had returned from Camelot. 

The young lady looked at him through her raven locks with eyes of emerald, “Fuck,” Was all she managed to say.

“And that’s the Merlin I know,” Arthur nodded, “Now I see why you so offended by being called a girl. It’s because you are one.”

She frowned, “And I seem to recall that you’re the one that retreated from calling me such because I mentioned you wanted to-”

“Merlin,” He could already feel his face growing red, “That’s because you simply do not talk about such things!” He glanced about, “And never in public.”

“Ah,” Markus let out a slow whistle, “The disguise that ya do fooled this knight, eh?” He looked Arthur up and down, “Now, you could have done better then -”

“ _ Prince _ Arthur,” Merlin growled, “Mayor of the Village - Markus the Millar’s Son. Who is only good at supervising.”

Markus choked. So did Will, “You caught the Prince’s eye -  _ as a man _ ?”

Merlin’s unimpressed stare was something for Arthur to admire as she came to the defense of his dignity, “Man servant. I am just a servant in the courts.”

A silent ‘Oh’ formed on their lips, “Makes a world of sense that,” Will breathed, “Suppose it would have been for the best keeping you in the traveling trousers if you’re going to be working for the prince then. By his side is the best play for you.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow at Merlin, “I feel as though I’m missing something here, Merlin. Care to explain.”

Merlin smirked, but she didn’t answer.

Will stepped back, and raised his hands as he realized what was going on, “He doesn’t - That means - Merlin, You can’t be serious.”

“I’m not going to-”

“You best leave, girl,” Markus breathed, “I will not be the starting sight of another war between-”

“It’s not like what?” Arthur growled. His hand went to his sword.

Merlin brushed against his side, and his sword was gone before he could grasp it. He turned to her, and he found it out and pointed at the other two who had dared to talk. The lone man that stood across from Merlin was simply standing with a smile on his lips. His arms crossed with pride.

“Not like she’s going to kill you,” The man answered.

Arthur stared at Merlin, “What?”

Merlin rolled her eyes, and she sheathed the sword. Her eyes lingered over the proud man, “We use to have a bandit problem. And it seems that now that I’ve left it’s come back.”

It was pointed, and the man shrugged, “I’m not as spry as you are. Not as young as I use to be.”

“And who are you?”

“Her father,” The man answered, “A wanted man from Camelot due to my skills. Do you care to know more?”

“Not really,” Arthur answered, bitter that that had not been asked on a sign before entering Ealdor. Before leaving Camelot.

Merlin shrugged, “Be that way then. Now, Arthur, are you coming with me to kill the bandits in their sleep tonight before them try murdering the entire village that I grew up in - or are you going to be a girl’s petticoat about it and try to face them in honorable combat alone in the morning?”

“Alone? Seems you-”

Her laughter cut him off, “Not an idiot. And that would be idiotic, prat.”

Arthur glared at her, “I will not betray my honor-”

Merlin shrugged, and she handed the sword back over to Arthur, “You do that then. You’ll sleep tonight and then we’ll ride to Camelot together in the morning. Now-” She glared at the men around her, “I’m going to go get ready to scout out 25 bandits by myself now. So I can kill them in their sleep because no one else here is man enough - or skilled enough,” She added pointedly glaring at Will and his opened mouth, “To save the bloody village from their daggers.”

And she was gone before Arthur could stop her. Like a shadow in the night she slipped away. He glanced back at her father, “How can you let her-”

“Had much success stopping her then have you?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

And Arthur, in his youth, had nothing to say to that.  An older Arthur would be in the courtyard as Morgana opened the wooden box to him to reveal the contents within, _ “Perhaps you should have tried harder to keep your pet in your pocket. Close to your side. _ ”

A broken laugh then would be his answer then, and a few grieving words, “I did try. I always have.”  But Merlin had always come back. He didn’t think he’d have to fight to keep her safe. She did such well enough on her own.

They rode back to Camelot in the morning as she’d promised they would.

 

It was a slain unicorn that had nearly pushed her to killing him.

“How could you - Something that innocent?” She’d hissed. Her eyes glaring at him as her hat kept her hair concealed, her truth away from the court and bound her to his side still, “I should -”

She started to ride away back towards Camelot without him, “Merlin-”

“I can’t look at you, Arthur. Not if I want to stay in Camelot.”

Arthur knew what that meant. He took his time returning to the castle. He never corrected the jests from his knights about how the manservant couldn’t handle a dead horse. He knew in the pit of his stomach that he crossed a line that Merlin never had imagined possible from him.

During his trials she still stood beside him. He never asked why. When the choice was between them to drink to their death for the life of Camelot, he did.

Tears ran down her face, “Because how can you have a chance to be a good king if you’re dead, Arthur?”

“And what chance have I if I don’t learn my lessons, Merlin? If I again let something innocent die for the sake of my pride?”

As the world faded to black around him, he heard her cry over him. Her sobs tore the air. They were not gentle things and they did not make it easy for him to leave her. But, he also hadn’t thought she would. Not over him.

 

_ “Merlin?” Arthur frowned, “Are you holding a crossbow?” _

_ She smiled. “Yep.” _

_ “What for?” _

_ “Oh,” She whistled. His frown deepened. Merlin didn’t whistle, “You know. I need to go hunting.” _

_ “Is that so?” _

_ “Yes,” She put her finger on her chin, “You see there’s this prat in my life…” _

_ “Hardy har har.” He turned his back on her to leave. He heard a bolt loose. It was buried deep beside his head in the wooden door, and he stared at her, “What did I do this time?” _

_ She shrugged, “What do you want me to tell you?” She asked. _

_ “The truth!” _

_ She stared at him, “Well, that’s a bit complicated.” _

_ “It always is with you, my love, but I’m rather commited you by now.” He tapped his ring pointedly, “So how about you just give it to me?” _

_ “There’s an enchantment,” She answered. Her voice so casual he thought it was a lie, a joke, “Morgana put the head of a snake in my neck, and now I have absolutely no control over my actions.” _

_ Arthur pointed at the bolt, “None?” _

_ Merlin shrugged, “Okay. Maybe a little bit. But that’s just because Morgana doesn’t think I can hurt a fly. Too clumsy. And I do live to met up to expectations that others have on me.” _

_ “Really. This is the story you’re going to stick with?” _

_ Merlin shrugged, “You did ask for the truth.” _

_ “Love,” Arthur’s voice was tight, “If it was the truth - I would be dead.” _

_ There was a glimmer in her eyes, “As I said. I live up to expectations.” _

_ “You and Gwaine need to think of better practical jokes to pull.” _

_ “Gwaine’s been trying to as well?” _

_ “Of course not,” Arthur drooled on, “But that’s because his jokes consist of trying to get you into a dress now that you’re officially the queen of Camelot.” _

_ “I really ought to be going after his head, aren’t I?” _

_ Arthur nodded in agreement before vanishing off to get his proper work done, “If you’re enchanted I wish you the best of luck in getting that sorted out then, love. I know you will.” _

_ “Thanks, dear,” She whispered as the door closed behind him. _

 

The dragon’s freedom over the castle brough Gaius to Uther mentioning dragon lords, and once more the name of Ealdor was brought up. Arthur glanced at his manservant, “Consider it handled,” Was all that Merlin had to say.

Within the time it took to get to Ealdor and back to Camelot, the dragon left. It took another day for Merlin to reappear. It took a question to finally get her to speak up again, “Did you find Balinor?”

“Is the dragon gone?”

“Yes.”

“Then I think that answers that question.”

 

_ In the courtyard, Morgana threw Merlin’s heart to the side and she was in front of him in a moment. Arthur, even looking back, wouldn’t have been able to say if she’d gotten closer or if he’d been magicked to her. The moment her blade was drawn to kill the weeping king, a cry filled the courtyard. A pitch like the dragon’s roar heard that hadn’t been heard within Camelot’s walls for nearly a decade.  _

_ It stilled the castle even if no one knew where it had come from. Neither Arthur nor Morgana could move, and the panic in her eyes as they heard the pounding of dragon’s wings. _

_ “No,” Was all Morgana could whisper into Arthur’s ear before the dragon took her away, swallowed with a terrifying crunch of his sister’s bones. _

_ Arthur fell to his knees. He knew he had no hope against the beast. “Oh,” The dragon’s voice was a deep crevice, nearly as broken as his own heart, “I could never touch you, King Arthur. Not if Emrys spent the her last touch of love she had to save your life from the Witch.” _

_ Arthur looked, but his voice hid. He couldn’t ask what the dragon meant. He could barely understand that words could be heard or even comprehended. But, the dragon reached for the heart that had been thrown to the side of the courtyard. Arthur’s fear that it would met the same fate as Morgana brought noise even if his anguish couldn’t been found in any sort of vocabulary that English could provide him with. _

_ The dragon set the box down in front of him with a delicate touch like a priest handling sacraments, “Take care of her, Young King. For the sake of Albion.” _

_ He wanted to ask why a dragon of all things would care about Merlin, but he could only watch as the dragon flew away from him. _

 

“I thought you’d be happy to see Morgana again, Merlin.”

Merlin simply grunted. After Morgana’s absence from the court, Arthur never walked in on them in the same room again. Lover’s scorn, he figured. 

 

_ “She - She wasn’t lying was she? About the enchantment from Morgana?” _

_ Gaius shook his head, “I’m afraid not, Sire. She had magic enough to resist it, and after the - It’s been a very, very long time since Merlin’s trusted Morgana with any of her secrets. Her gender hardly seems to be one at this point. Morgana had no idea. She thought Merlin was simply in collaboration with Emrys.” _

_ “Emrys? I think I’ve heard that name once before, Gaius. Who is it?” _

_ “Merlin. Merlin is Emrys. Magic incarnate, and the destined doom of Morgana. It would seem that the fates had that part right.” _

_ “Were they wrong about something?” _

_ “They said she would live forever - and I have seen miracles in her health - but this…” _

_ “This is not a mere flesh wound.” _

_ “No, Sire. It isn’t. I don’t know how she’d be able to come back from this if she hasn’t already.” _

_ “Already?” _

_ “Well - It doesn’t matter.” _

_ “Yes, Gaius. It does. If there’s a chance-” _

_ “The heart is the soul of a person, and if Merlin was going to be coming back - then we’d have more then just a heart to watch over.” _

_ “You’re saying-” _

_ “She’d have started to reform around her heart? Yes, sire. I do believe that is what I was reluctant to say. And your face confirms that I had a reason to hesitate from citing speculation that can only sound like madness.” _

_ “You’re right. I pressed you for that. I have no doubt in your sanity. Merely my own.” _

_ “For what?” _

_ “Hoping that she might still come back to me.” _

_ “Perhaps…” _

_ “Gaius. You have already spoken madness once. Speak it again. Do not simply leave me with thread that hints at a thought.” _

_ “It is a fatal wound - perhaps she needs to be brought back together to recover from one of this severity.” _

_ “I’ll ride at once-” _

_ Gwaine coughed from the door frame, “Hold it, Princess,” Gwaine interrupted, “And what is Camelot to do while you’re off on this mad quest?” _

_ “What do you mean. Camelot has many fine lords. The council-” _

_ Gwaine was never serious. That’s why Arthur stopped talking, “Sire,” Gwaine whispered in the silence, “Do you think that’s what she’d want you to do? Abandon your kingdom for her sake?” _

_ “You know it isn’t.” _

_ “There you go.” He pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning on as he’d eavesdropped on Gaius. Gaius who had taken Arthur to his chambers once the King’s shock had been made clear to the court. Gaius who had then proceeded to tell the King everything that had been hidden from him about his wife - and to Gwaine. _

_ “Where are you going?” _

_ “I think that would be clear, princess. Merlin never expected much from me. She knew better-” _

_ “She thought the world of you,” Arthur corrected. _

_ There was a pain in Gwaine’s eyes before he looked away from Arthur, “I know. That’s why I can’t let her rot out there somewhere even if I should be staying to protect what she loved most.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “When - The first time. After the round table - you know five years ago or so? After we chased off Morgana for that first time? She asked me to protect you in case anything ever happened to her. To protect you and Camelot.” _

_ “You told her no didn’t you?” Arthur smirked, “After all, you hated nobility-” _

_ “I told her it was a tall order, and that that meant she couldn’t go off thinking about what would happen if - if she left us. I told her I’d do it though that way she wouldn’t have to worry about it.” _

_ “You loved her didn’t you?” _

_ “She was our queen, Arthur. Even then. We all love her.” _

_ “I’ll keep her heart here.” _

_ Gwaine nodded, “I’ll bring the rest of her back to you, sire.” _

_ “You keep saying sire, and I think I’m going to die.” _

_ Gwaine would have laughed if his greatest friend was just a lump of muscle between himself and Arthur. As it was, his eyes lingered over the box that was still in Arthur’s hands, “Not funny.” _

_ “Yeah - I kno- I’m sorry.” _

_ Gwaine managed something of a smile, reassurance, “Merlin would have made the same sort of comment. You two - We love you as well, Arthur.” _

_ Arthur simply stared after Gwaine as he fled from the room and the sentimentality. _

_ “So,” Arthur turned back to Gaius, “Back to the whole - Morgana tried to use my wife to kill me? But her magic is so strong that even death can’t keep her?” _

_ “Yes, sire. She was on her way back from dealing with the formorrah’s body when Morgana must have caught her- Well. We both know what happened now.” _

_ “But why didn’t she win? Why was it Morgana that walked away from -” _

_ “Magic is the thing she uses least, Arthur. She knows you fear it.” _

_ “She-” Arthur shook his head, “No. She can’t-” _

_ “I’m afraid so. I am afraid her devotion to you lead to her deciding to play it out. Morgana’s never been so frayed. This is something that I would never have expected from our Lady Morgana.” _

_ “I - I see. Well, It has been a long time since we’ve seen her, hasn’t it?” _

_ “Longer since we’ve seen her in person.” Gaius agreed. He reached out to put a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, “Merlin left something with me. She said to give it to you if - if you ever found out and she wasn’t here to explain.” _

_ “Th-Thank you, Gaius.” _

 

She brought Lancelot to Arthur. She had also brought Gwaine to the courts. Looking back it wasn’t a surprise that she was Magic to his Courage and Gwaine their strength. Gwaine could have been any one of their knights. 

 

_ “I thought you said if I screamed your name they wouldn't interrupt us?” Merlin growled as she straightened her corset. Her glare fierce as they entered the main hall where only the knights of the round circle were waiting for them. The council would be handled in the morning. _

_ “Perhaps it was the screaming that gave away the miracle,” Gwaine answered with a smirk, “We’ve been waiting all week, Merlin.” Any flavor of jest was gone in that statement. Merlin simply nodded. _

_ But only for a moment, “Can I get out of this dress and go back to having sex with my husband then?” _

_ Arthur’s red heat on his cheeks was the only thing that broke the silence in the hall. Because Gwaine’s laughter at such cracked through it, “Seems our king still knows how to blush.” _

_ “King?” Merlin whispered, “Since when have you ever called him king, Gwaine?” _

_ Gwaine’s bristle wasn’t something that anyone would notice, and that was why everyone in that hall. They had lived, fought and killed for the right to be together in that hall, “Since he lost the one that considered his princess. Seemed rude. Well - ruder. Inconsiderate.” _

_ Merlin found that she couldn’t breath for a moment as her own blush threatened her face, but it was consumed with a frown, “You know I don’t like words,  _ Sir _ Gwaine.” She grabbed Arthur’s hand, and their fingers intertwined desperate for any touch they could have between them, “I would much rather act. And I’m not going to have sex with you to say that I’m glad to be alive and safe in the halls of the kingdom I have so often died to protect!” _

_ Gwaine choked, and none of the other knights could take up the burden of wit that would have been required to keep Merlin’s attention away from doing exactly as she claimed she would have. The knights turned to Gwaine in their defeat, and he simply raised his hands in his defense, “As if she’d have ever listened to me. She would have surrendered that battle of wit to get to the-” _

_ “Yep!” Percival interrupted, “And this is where we call it a night.” He surveyed his peers, “Told you there wouldn’t be a point tonight.” _

_ Lancelot shrugged, “It was still good to see her breathing again, Perce.” _

_ Gwaine stared at the door, at the empty space she had filled. He smiled, “Yeah,” He agreed, “That it was.” _

_ They all clasped his shoulder in thanks on the way out. All their words of gratitude towards him had been given at the gate as he’d brought her through the gates of Camelot’s citadel. _

 

They were alone in the woods, banished from Camelot after his father’s death and with Morgana ruling in his place as regent. Arthur had only his knights and his servant. A fierce Merlin who had only a dress on in strong contrast to their chainmail shirts, and a dagger in hand compared to their blades of the finest Camelot steel.

“Listen here, Laddies,” She hissed.

“Oh gods the accent is slipping through,” Gwaine grumbled with a roll of his eyes and a smirk.

Merlin raised her blade to him, “She’s already made it clear what she’ll do to us,” Merlin hissed, “Gwen isn’t coming back to use after that enchantment,” She glanced at Lance, “It was cruel,” She whispered.

“No one should watch their lover die,” Lance agreed, “But she still breaths. There is hope yet.”

Merlin nodded, and she smiled, “So we’re in agreement then. We’ll raid the castle tonight?”

“We are a band of 13 knights!” Arthur hissed, “And she’s only just gotten rid of us-” He waved towards Percival and Leon who still had Gaius pattering over their wounds, “And some of us are still unfit for such a fight against a sorceress that has two armies at her back! Or did you not notice Cenrid’s colors mixing with the merceny bands at Morgause’s pouch?”

Merlin rolled her eyes, “Arthur, dear-”

“Don’t call me dear.”

“If I said we can take the castle back tonight - then we can take the castle back tonight.”

“And how would you propose we do that?”

“That would be telling-”

“Oh for the love of - I swear Merlin. I will marry you if we can get Camelot back from that witch. But first you have to explain to me -  _ just how it is you think you’ll be able to do this. _ ”

There wasn’t a set of eyes that wasn’t on Arthur. Merlin looked winded, “Arthur?” She still managed to breath, “What did you say?”

“I said - If I can have my kingdom I would swear myself to having you.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said!”

“You said you could only marry - love for the sake of Camelot! I’m not getting in the middle of-”

“And clearly there is none better for Camelot, Merlin. You are the queen of my courts even if I were to marry another. Now - What is this about getting the castle back tonight?”

“Hell, Arthur,” Merlin hissed, “You really know how to turn a lady on-”

“ _ Merlin _ .”

“I could raid the castle alone after that.”

“So could I,” Gwaine breathed. The sly comment broke the air that threatened to handle honest emotions. His sharp gaze brought the air to settle, “Now, what about this raid then, Merlin?”

She smiled wide, “Well, you see. It's simple really -”

Arthur would not have called it simple. Perhaps - if he compared it to explaining to the council why he was marrying his male manservant - it would be? 

Yes. Compared to that thought of that - it was a very simple plan. She'd essentially told them to leave it all up to her after all. 

 

_ He was on top. Merlin was squirming below him. Her breath ragged, and Arthur could only think of all the things he’d wished he’d been able to do with her - to her - over the last year in the brighter moments of hoping that Gaius’s information wasn’t a fleeting hope. _

_ However, Arthur was still the sort with no sense of timing, “Balinor - He was the -” _

_ “Oh Gods above,” Merlin hissed. She pushed him lightly, “We’re not talking about my parents.” _

_ “I wanted to ask you-” He started completely missing the point of her objection. _

_ “I don’t think - Oh things are going well with my love - let’s bring my dead dad into this!” _

_ Arthur could see her point, “Oh.” _

_ “Oh,” She groaned, “You’d better be grateful that I know you too well, and love you too much. I still want you to fuck me.” _

_ And so he did. Because he’d learned long ago that Merlin was a force of nature that made her words a promise of fate. _

_ “I love you,” He whispered in her ear as he speed up, “I love your ears, large as they are. I love your hair, the long locks of hair you use to always hide within your hats. I love your lies. That it took your heart being torn out of your chest for fate to bring the truth to me. It was that stubborn spirit that I fell in love with, Merlin, all those years ago. So many years ago. I love you. Because that’s exactly what you are, Merlin. A force of nature.” _

_ Her eyes glowed gold, “Then let me show you. Let me show you just how much more I’ve been hiding. Because there’s no way Gaius could have ever dreamed of telling you about this while I was gone.” _


	3. Gwaine // Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur thought Gwaine was their Strength because that was simply what the knights of Camelot were. 
> 
> It wasn't surprising that Arthur didn't know the whole truth behind the name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that subbed to a completed work - for those that came back for chapter two without the notification - Thank you! This isn't as long as I thought it might be, but I hope you enjoy hearing about Gwaine's part in their story. I think this is the end of this, but - and I'm not making any promises- but all comments are read and any prompts for this au will be considered as I really would be a'okay with writing more of it. 
> 
> No beta - which means all errors are my own - And I am too aware of my defects to think that I've managed to catch them all.

She was sitting at the bar rail. The tavern keeper was smiling as he set another tankard down in front of her, and she was laughing. That was what held Gwaine still in the doorway without any regard for those that were trying to pass by him.

The keeper noticed the problem and frowned at Gwaine. He only noticed her eyes following his. Her gaze met Gwaine’s, and her laughter stopped. There was no shame in her eyes, only a determination that he’d seen in them before. He’d seen that fierce fire the first time they’d met, and he’d seen it as she and Lancelot had separated from Arthur and the knights of Camelot when she’d gone to free Gwen and overthrow Morgana. It was that fire of mission and purpose that filled her eyes so full that he knew there’d never be a spot for him in them.

“Get out of the doorway,” Someone shouted. He wasn’t sure who. Gwaine could only stare at that fire. The fire that he’d thought died. The fire that he knew shouldn’t be walking around and drinking-

She rose from the seat she had, and her steps were inhuman. Elegant like a flowing river. If he hadn’t seen her heart and known what Gaius had believed possible of her - he would have called it a ghost. He would have pulled his sword on her. Her skills were not unknown to the knights, but she had still earned Arthur’s jests at being a clutz and a fool. It had to have been her image not her actual being-

Her fingers intwined with his as she grabbed his right hand, and he let her pull her to the side. She led him to a table, and as she sat he found his words for a respondence. He found one, “Merlin?”

She smiled. It was a sad thing. Pained - but it didn’t met her eyes. She didn’t look broken up over what has happening - “Gwaine-” She started.

“Don’t-” Gwaine barked. It was a quiet thing as he glanced about the tavern, deciding then that discretion was the better part of valour, “You need to go back to -” She grabbed his hand, and she guided his fingers to feel her pulse. What he felt silenced him. Gwaine sat beside her, “Explain.”

“How can I go back to Arthur if I don’t have my heart, Sir Gwaine?” She whispered. She met the bartenders eyes, and she motioned for him to come over. They sat in silence as he brought them two tankards that poured over with mead. Gwaine took a drink as he waited for Merlin to find her words again. They were half way through their drinks when she did, “Sir Gwaine…” She started.

He set down his drink, and after the conversation had evidently died, “Sir?” He asked.

She met his gaze, and the fire hadn’t died but it didn’t know where to blaze, “Gaius would have told Arthur that the heart carries the soul. Did he tell you?”

“I was standing at the door when it came up,” He answered. His voice was tight.

Merlin nodded. Her eyes wandered, and her mouth opened before it found the words it needed, “He would have told Arthur that if I was coming back then I would have started to - to I suppose reform around that?”

Gwaine nodded. It was painful how slow she was getting to the point, but he was in part grateful for it as well. _She was suppose to be dead. Unmoving, and here she was drinking and struggling to find words._

“It’s easier to form a new heart.” She told him. Then she put her tankard to her lips, and she hid behind her drink. Her eyes metting his in a clear statement of anticipation.

“Then why aren’t you in Camelot?” He asked. His voice softer then he’d ever imagined it would be under the circumstance, “Why you drinking in Ealdor a month after -”

“I - Even with magic can not reform my soul,” Her voice broke, “I have her memories, but - Sir Gwaine, I am not her, and I know her well enough to know that Arthur would not like me back just for the sake of my body.”

Gwaine stopped, “You sound like - you act like-”

“Acting,” She answered. Her voice was soft. It was an admission, and Gwaine knew then that that was the truth. Arthur would break in the presence of - of whatever this was, “Memories. Muscles. I know how to move. I know what she’d say, but - But that’s it.”

“What do I have to do?” Gwaine asked. It was gentle hiss of desperation, and as her eyes glossed over with the thought of the answer Gwaine found himself reaching for the answer. Why would _Merlin_ be afraid of whatever the answer was-

“I have to die again,” She answered, “I have to be torn apart as well.”

Gwaine couldn’t ask for clarification. He couldn’t breathe, and air was needed for talking.

“After all,” Merlin added. Her eyes finally tearing away from his. She stared down into her drink, “How else is my heart going to find its way back into my chest?”

Gwaine stood, and he walked over to the bartender, “I need a shot of your hardest stuff.”

The keep glanced at Merlin, and she nodded - why did Gwaine need her permission to - the short glass appeared in front of him, and he threw it back in one very well practiced motion. He fished around in his pocket for the coin needed - “It’s on her tab. She said she was expecting a date tonight.”

Ah. Gwaine thought. That would be why she - He turned back to Merlin and he returned to his seat, “Date?” He asked gently.

“I knew someone would come. It’s been long enough. It was either you or Lance.”

“Why, Merlin? Why did you hide here instead of coming home?”

She smiled, “I may not be the one that Arthur actually loves - but I am too close to being her to ask of Arthur what I’m about to ask of you?”

The tears were burning down Gwaine’s face before he found the words. He needed confirmation before he brought any action to his treasonous thoughts - like the act of even thinking them. He needed it spelled out that it was required of him before he dared to think of raising a blade to his queen’s chest, “What is that?”

“I need you to kill me, and then I need you open me up,” She answered. She answered him with a peaceful smile, and in that moment Gwaine hated her and knew that she was indeed a heartless bitch.

“I would think the latter enough to cause the former.”

“You would, but I wouldn’t be magic - and I wouldn’t be talking if that was true.”

He closed his eyes as if his sight was the problem with the situation he was in, “What does that mean, Merlin? You have to spell this out for me.” He wouldn’t tell a soul his voice cracked asking her that. Simply because he would never tell a soul of this moment.

“We have to find the last great dragon, Kilgharrah, and ask him to kill me. Failing that we have one last chance with the Lady of the Lake. Freya owes me a favor - that is the only reason we’ll have to get Excalibur back from her. Those are the only things that can kill me.”

“But - _But why do you have to die?_ ”

She took his hand in hers and for a moment it was reassuring, and he had a flicker of hope in his chest that her words would be the sort he was use to hearing from Merlin. The sort that made the impossible sound reasonable. The sort of plan that would be irrational from anyone else because there was no greater miracle worker in the whole of Camelot - in the whole of Albion.

“Simple,” She answered with exactly that, “If I’m dead, and her heart is back in this? Then her soul rather then the simple energy of Merlin’s magic can bring her back to you. It can bring all of her back to you. Merlin can come home, Gwaine, but first you have to save me.”

“And I can only do that if I kill you?”

She nodded, and she wiped his tears away. She tried to. He pulled her closer as he slide around the bench at their table. It was far too big for simply the two of them. And, he buried his face in her shoulder, and he wept for her as he had wished to when Morgana first showed them the heart of their dearest friend.

 

When Arthur wrote, and the only time when the courier found Gwaine, he asked how the search was doing. Gwaine answered it the only way he could.

He lied in his response.

_I’ve found what is left of her, but she’s missing a rib._

But before he could seal the letter away he found his stomach twisting about, and he pulled out the parchment that held the singular line, and he added as much of the truth that he dared to admit to the truest love that Merlin had.

_She’s missing what makes her whole._

  


It took nearly a year for the two of them to find the great dragon that she’d told him about - _“A dragonlord maybe a title and right born of blood and magic, but it’s inflamed by the soul. If I could just call him we wouldn’t be on this quest!”_ \- and it took Gwaine a month to carry her corpse back across the breadth of Mercia back home, preserved by the magic that fought to bring her back to life.

Once he finished the quest, it would take a day with the aid of Lancelot and Gaius' tools to get through the acts of breaking open her chest. It was barely a week for Merlin’s magic to weave her back together. All the while, none in Camelot heard from Gwaine a story about the travels other then his struggles in finding a magical corpse that did not rot and the search for a singular rib that was missing from it. 

And, Gwaine wouldn't have been able to answer why he did that. He might have let the easy lie slip from his lips - that if Merlin had wanted the truth to come out she wouldn't have holed herself up and waited for a knight to aid her in Ealdor if she'd wanted the kingdom to know. She would have gone to Arthur for his aid if she'd wanted it between the two of them. But, it would have stuck in his mouth. His lip would have stilled between his lips if he'd tried to frame it on her. And it would have been a literal truth to say that she'd asked him not to tell. But, Gwaine was not known for taking such matters seriously if he thought it was a matter better aired aloud. There was a reason she hadn't told him about her magic. 

But, his mouth would have done the same if he'd tried to tell the truth.

After all, he didn't know why he couldn't even tell Lancelot. The common man that a spirit too noble and carried every secret of Camelot's courts because none could be hidden from him or revealed by him. Gwaine didn't know if he hid behind the lies of the adventure because he was strong enough to carry it on his own or too weak to tell, and Gwaine didn't think about that fact often. After all, it didn't matter. The end result was the same, and he would always carry a burden that Merlin asked of him - and he knew that she'd only ask of him what couldn't be asked of Arthur. A man too brave for his own good, and one too loved by Magic to ever be broken by its actions.


End file.
